Jar of Hearts
by Mistress of Words39
Summary: Their love was the kind you hear about in the story books; the love that was never ending. They had the love that everyone wishes for; the love that people don't believe truly exists. This is the story of their happily ever after. ExB
1. Jar Of Hearts

**Disclaimer: I do not own 'Jar of Hearts' or Twilight. **

_Jar of Hearts_

_I know I can't take one more step towards you  
Cause all that's waiting is regret  
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore  
You lost the love I loved the most_

He was supposed to be The One.

We were supposed to get married and spend the rest of our lives together. We could adopt children. We could have a happy life together, spending time together whenever we could. We were supposed to love each other.

I was so sure he loved me.

_Look at yourself now__, _I thought sadly. I am a smart and classy young woman in my own way, but he still had a hold on me.

Now I work in a bookstore, paranoid that every time the bell to the door alerted me that it was being opened by a customer - it would be him walking in; that he had found me.

_I learned to live half alive  
And now you want me one more time_

I walked into the store, for my nine o' clock shift, and spotted Alice. She sat behind the desk, with a highlighter and a very determined expression. When she heard the insipid bell, she looked up, and when I saw the look in her eyes, I knew.

_And who do you think you are  
Running 'round leaving scars  
Collecting your jar of hearts  
And tearing love apart  
You're gonna catch a cold  
From the ice inside your soul  
So don't come back for me  
Who do you think you are_

I stared down at my feet as I walked around the counter so I wouldn't have to see the sympathy in her eyes. My heart ached; He was back.

My head told me that staying away from him was for the best, that I would make it through this, and that one day, I would find The One. But, what if that was just me, trying to reassure myself that we weren't meant to be? It felt so…_right_, being with him.

I wanted to be with him, so badly; apparently, though, he didn't want to be with me badly enough.

_I hear you're asking all around  
If I am anywhere to be found  
But I have grown too strong  
To ever fall back in your arms_

I knew what she was going to say before she said it, "He called again. He asked, begged, me to tell him where you are."

Closing my eyes, I swallowed thickly. _This isn't happening. This isn't happening. _

My mind screamed for me to run.

_I learned to live half alive, _

_and now you want me one more time_

_And who do you think you are  
Running 'round leaving scars  
Collecting your jar of hearts  
And tearing love apart  
You're gonna catch a cold  
From the ice inside your soul  
So don't come back for me  
Who do you think you are?_

I'll never forget our first kiss; it was magical. He stole my heart in that first kiss. His arms around me, and soft lips on mine was the most miraculous thing I had felt in my short life. I was just out of high school, sleeping over at his house with his kid sister, when he first mesmerized me; when he consumed my life.

He was sweet, and funny, kind and agonizingly beautiful. He seemed like the perfect package. He was my first boyfriend, my first 'love'. I cared so much about what I did around him, the words I said, and the way I acted. I analyzed every step, every syllable, and every action.

I wanted to be his perfect girl.

_And it took so long just to feel alright  
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes  
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed  
Cause you broke all your promises  
And now you're back  
You don't get to get me back_

During my first year of college, we did everything we could together, and saw each other as much as possible. He was busy, working for a degree in pre-med so he could get into a good medical school.

I revolved around him; called him every night so we could tell each other about our day.

One day, I got out of class early, and hurried over to his dorm. And there he was; with _her. _

I had asked him about her before. _She's just an acquaintance, _he had promised.

However, his promises meant nothing, although, to me, they were everything. His actions portrayed complete faithfulness, lovingness. I never thought that he would leave me feeling so weak and vulnerable.

I felt so ashamed that I had not seen it; seen what he was doing. I needed to be strong, I need to think rationally - but his very presence clouded my emotions and thoughts. He always brought me back to feeling empty. Empty, and emotionless; yet whenever I was around him my emotions were striped from me and I felt raw.

He ran after me as I walked out of his dorm room, and got in my car. It was freezing outside, the first snow of the year fluttering around me as I hurried to my car.

He knocked on the window and begged me to hold on, roll the window down, let him explain. I remember he struggled with the sheet that was tied around his waist and that's what gave me the ability to leave; that sheet that he had protecting his modesty from the people around, when he had just shown what was supposed to be mine to _her_.

So, I drove away.

We met at a coffee shop, nearly a week later. He seemed so upset. I told him it was over. I didn't want him in my life anymore; I couldn't live with someone who had cheated on me.

I walked calmly out of the coffee shop, although my head was screaming for me to go back to him. My head turned, though, to take one last look at him, and I saw him with his head in his hands, his shoulders shaking.

I didn't know what to do, so I went to Alice.

She taught me how to be better. How to manage.

_And who do you think you are  
Running 'round leaving scars  
Collecting your jar of hearts  
And tearing love apart  
You're gonna catch a cold  
From the ice inside your soul  
So don't come back for me  
Don't come back at all_

And now, he was here again. He was looking for me again. I collapsed onto my stool and bent over, resting my head on my knees, my hands holding the back of my neck. The awkward position was somehow comforting.

Alice patted my back softly, and that was the last straw. Sobs broke free.

I had finally done it. I had finally been _okay_. Of course, the day that I actually felt good, happy, was the day that he would come back again.

It took me so long to pull myself away from his memory. I was stuck, all alone; lying in my bed at night, imagining what would've happened if he had never cheated, if I had never found out.

I fantasized his arm around me, him whispering softly in my ear; and then in the morning, after dreaming a fantasy of him all night, I cried in the shower, trying to get myself strong enough to go to work, see my old friends; function, if that's what you would call what I did.

He was a black hole. He sucked you in, and it was over; you were never getting out again. You were his forever, consumed in his darkness.

I would forever be in his shadow, a fragment of what I once was.

He had drawn me in, made me believe, and made me love him. He took that away when he cheated on me. He took away so much and left me always trying to move on, to forget him, to forget what he had promised. However, the memories were always in my head, the pain always in my chest.

He had broken me.

_Who do you think you are?  
Who do you think you are?  
Who do you think you are?_

**A/n: Review and tell me if you want it to be a story. **


	2. Memories

_Memories  
_

It was all my fault. I was supposed to be hers. She was supposed to be mine. We were supposed to be together for the rest of our lives. We would've adopted children, grown old together, happily. She would kiss me on the cheek when I got home from work. I would give her a message when she was tired and achy.

But, none of it was going to happen.

And it was my fault.

_In this world you tried,  
Not leaving me alone behind.  
There's no other way,  
I pray to the gods let her stay.  
The memories ease the pain inside,  
And now I know why._

I took another swig of my drink, closing my eyes and letting my head rest against the hotel couch. I remembered her smiling face, her long brown hair under my fingertips as I kissed her on the lips.

Our kisses were magical- soft, intense; intimate. We were perfect together.

Taking another deep drink, I tried to remember what it felt like to hold her.

The memories were all I had. They were the only thing that kept me sane.

_All of my memories keep you near.  
In silent moments,  
Imagining you here.  
All of my memories keep you near,  
In silent whispers, silent tears_

We were supposed to be in love. And I destroyed it all; I threw it away like it was dirty garbage; carelessly.

I'll never forget when it happened. I was upset. And _she _was around. I took advantage of that fact. My loves beautiful face will always be burned into my memory: Betrayed, and broken.

Because of me.

I ran after her; tried to explain. She stared at me through the car window, silent tears streaming down her face, her eyes broken, as she assessed me; in a bed sheet.

I don't blame her for leaving me standing there in the falling snow.

As I walked back into my dorm, I looked back to see where her car sat, expecting to see blood on the snow, where she had ripped my heart out.

The only thing I saw was a black spot, snow falling on the asphalt; Covering up what had happened there, like it never had. My stomach felt hollow.

I parked my car there, now, forcing myself to remember what I had done. What I had lost.

_Made me promise I'd try,  
To find my way back in this life.  
Hope there is a way,  
To give me a sign you're okay.  
Reminds me again it's worth it all,  
So I can go home._

I promised myself that I would give her time. So, we met at a coffee shop, halfway between my dorm and hers. I still went there everyday. She told me everything I hoped I wouldn't hear, and when she left, I let myself cry.

I cried, ignoring the fact that people stared because a grown man, who was supposed to be unemotional, was bawling like a big baby. Little did they know I had just lost everything. I drove home, unfocused, the road was blurry.

She finished the year and left. She closed her e-mail accounts, closed her Facebook account. The only thing I got when, frantically hoping I could find some kind of contact with her, I searched her name on Google was things from Junior High.

She never told me that she was in the school play.

Of course, I didn't give her enough time before I ran to the arms of another.

_All of my memories keep you near.  
In silent moments,  
Imagining you here.  
All of my memories keep you near.  
In silent whispers, silent tears._

When I opened my eyes again, it was dark outside. My bottle of vodka lay limp against my leg, empty.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed Alice's number. The last time I had called her was months ago, looking for her. I knew she knew where she was; she was her best friend, after all.

"_Hello?"_

"Alice? Is she there?" I asked it in my polite voice.

She paused, then whispered my name disapprovingly, _"...Are you drunk?"_

I looked down at the empty bottle, contemplating for a moment.

"Not nearly drunk enough," I replied.

She sighed through her nose; she was clearly frustrated by my call.

This would be the second time that I called. I was visiting town again, hoping to pry her location out of Alice.

I interrupted her, "I just want to know how she's doing Alice. Please tell me where she is. I won't interfere with her happiness! Please, Alice. I just want to see her. I know that you're mad at me, I _know_. You know that I lo-"

Before I could even finish the word, the click of her phone told me that she had hung up on me. _Again._

I got a text a few seconds later: _Don't you dare tell me you love her. - A_

_Together in all these memories,  
I see your smile.  
All of the memories I hold dear.  
Darling you know I'll love you,  
Til the end of time._

I really do love her, with everything in me. We're soul mates; you just don't find love like that twice. This wasn't some Tom Hanks movie, this was real life, and in real life, if you love someone, you don't screw it up.

Without her, I was a mess. My thoughts were consumed with her, my decisions always involved her; my actions reflected _us_, instead of just _me_.

The thought of her, happy, smiling, with another man, made my skin crawl.

Although, I guess I should be ecstatic that I had her, even if it was only for the short amount of time that I did, I wasn't. I selfishly wanted her for the rest of our lives. I _needed_ her.

We had told each other all our secrets. We had a made a blanket fort one day and just sat under it and talked. It has to have been one of the happiest days of my life.

I had made a mistake, and I never got the chance to correct it. Of course, she had the right to walk away that from me, but to wipe herself off the face of the earth to get away from me? Was I really bad?

A little anticlimactic voice in the back of my foggy mind whispered a '_you know you are.' _

_All of my memories keep you near  
In silent moments,  
Imagining you here.  
All of my memories keep you near,  
In silent whispers, silent tears._

Why wouldn't anyone tell me where she was? My own _family_ was on her side. Didn't she feel torn up inside? Didn't she want to curl up in a ball and die? She has to feel the same as I do.

She has to. I know she loves me still.

_Doesn't she? _

I dialed Alice's number again. She had to tell me.

She had to.

_All of my memories..._


	3. What Hurts the Most

_What Hurts the Most_

_I can take the __rain__ on __the roof__ of this empty house  
That don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let em out_

I was walking. I didn't know where, but I was; just walking. After work, when I came home, I was so antsy. My stomach was a little ball of excitement and dread. A part of me wanted so badly for him to find me.

Alice, of course, wanted to come with me, but I couldn't…I couldn't handle being around somebody. I needed to be alone. I needed to think, focus.

Why couldn't I focus? __

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though  
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay  
But that's not what gets me

I so badly wanted to stop questioning myself. I wanted real answers; his answers. Not reassurances from his little sister. She didn't even know him anymore.

Alice hadn't gone to a family event that he was participating in, yet. I know she had talked to him. She was the one that he called when he came back every few months.

And every few months, I hoped it would be the last time.

I was so sick of pretending that I was alright; that I wasn't hurting every moment. __

What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And havin' so much to say  
And watchin' you walk away

I just couldn't do this. I couldn't handle this; _him_. He was so….just, him. He was sweet, and kind; my best friend. But, on the other hand, he was cruel, cold, and my worst enemy.

So badly, I wanted to find out how my best friend was doing. Hell, _what_ he was doing. Was he in medical school now? Or had he changed directions?

Yet on the other hand, I hoped that he would never find me; I wanted to be left alone; I would live my life in loneliness and do it happily.

I felt as though the sidewalk should be sleeked in blood with my every step.__

And never knowin'  
What could've been  
And not seein' that lovin' you  
Is what I was tryin' to do

Sometimes I wonder if he thought he could just…fix it. Did he think that he could talk to me; maybe say a few romantic words, and all the pain, anger, and bitterness would just evaporate?

He wasn't that naïve. He shouldn't have been stupid enough to get caught. Did he _want_ me to catch him? It was an easy way out and I had just played into his hands.

I shook my head. That wasn't true. He felt what I felt. I know he did. __

It's hard to _deal__ with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' it  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
_

I hated having to deal with them; his family, his friends; my family. I hated that if they didn't know, they asked me how he was, what he was doing.

The very thought of him tore me up inside.

_Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret_

_But I know if I could do it over  
I would __trade__, __give away__ all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken_

Did he know what he had done to me? Did he know that I cried myself to sleep _every single _night? Or that every morning, I dressed in his favorite outfits, his favorite colors on me?

He had ruined other men for me. I compared them to him, even though I knew it was wrong. After all, they wouldn't hurt me like he did. However, I couldn't stop myself.

I told myself if I could just see him one last time, I would tell him everything; how much he hurt me; the person that he threw away. I would be strong and collected. Then I would walk away and everything would be okay, I would finally be able to move on.

But, I knew that wouldn't happen. __

What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And havin' so much to say  
And watchin' you walk away

The cold began to distract me and I looked around, pinpointing where I was.

On the outskirts of town; this wasn't going to be an easy walk home. I contemplated calling Alice, but decided that the pity I would see in her eyes, the sympathy in her voice wasn't worth it.

_What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And havin' so much to say  
And watchin' you walk away_

Alice knew how I felt. She knew what this was like; the pain. She met her soul mate our senior year of high school. He was already enrolled in the army.

The day after graduation; he left.

He didn't come back.

_And never knowin'  
What could've been  
And not seein' that lovin' you  
Is what I was tryin' to do_

I tried to help her the same way she helps me. After we got the news, she holed herself up and I was the only person she would see. It hurt her parents, I knew, but I just couldn't convince her to open herself up to them.

I understood why now. She couldn't stand to show them the pain that emanated from her very being. She wouldn't show them how much his passing killed her inside. After all, the whole town thought that their love was just puppy love.

I knew better.

That's why she did this for me; because his betrayal was like him leaving and never coming back.

He would never be mine again.

_And never knowin'  
What could've been  
And not seein' that lovin' you  
Is what I was tryin' to do_

Starting to spin to turn to go home, I stopped halfway around. I felt myself blinking in shock, and the gigantic hole in my stomach ripped open fast and hard, knocking my breath away.

I was frozen. I couldn't move, so I began to pray. I prayed that he wouldn't look up and see me. I prayed that his beautiful, horrific eyes wouldn't bore into mine.

However, I had no such luck, and he looked up at me. His eyes would haunt me for the rest of my life.

He froze in his spot and looked me over, then screamed my name as I turned and began to run.

I was running. I didn't know where, but I was; just running.

_Not seein' that lovin' you  
That's what I was trying to do, ooo_


	4. Comatose

_Comatose_

_I hate feeling like this  
I'm so tired of trying to fight this  
I'm asleep and all I dream of  
Is waking to you_

The first thing that I was aware of was my head pounding in my head painfully; then I heard my groan. The sound of it increased the throbbing in my skull.

My stomach suddenly rolled, and I clenched my jaw, and took a deep breath-my head screamed in protest-trying to get rid of the nausea.

After a few minutes, I was able to realize that I was still sitting up on the couch, my head still lying on the hard wooden back of it. In my hand, was the empty bottle of vodka.

It was then, that I knew the day was going to be a long one.

_Tell me that you'll listen  
Your touch is what I'm missing  
And the more I hide I realize  
I'm slowly losing you_

What felt like hours later, I heaved myself off the couch and wandered around the trashed hotel room. Half empty food containers sat in random places; the floor, the couch, the coffee table. Everywhere except the actual table. Chinese, pizza, food from the diner; I ordered from anywhere that would deliver.

The hotel looked lonely. I felt lonely. All I wanted was some company, yet I didn't want anyone's but hers.

_Comatose  
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you_

_I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe  
'Less I feel you next to me  
You take the pain I feel  
Waking up to you never felt so real_

Walking over to the sink in the bathroom, I splashed some cold water on my face, and then stood up straight.

I sighed, I looked like a mess. My eyes were bloodshot, and frenzied; my hair was dirty, and it was actually sitting straight because of the oils.

The only thing that was really clean was my chin. I still shaved everyday. She used to run her hand along my jaw. She loved its smoothness.

_If you're going to see her again, you need to shower, _my mind whispered to me. I stripped off my clothes and got in the shower.

It helped with my headache.

_I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream  
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me  
The way you make me feel  
Waking up to you never felt so real  
_

After getting out of the shower, and getting dressed, I looked around for some edible food. Everything was….old.

I was going to need to go out to get some. On the way, I had to be sure to make a quick stop at the liquor store.

It consisted of four very small coolers in the back of a gas station.

Walking out of the hotel room for the first time in days was refreshing, but it held no interest for me.

It didn't matter to me.

_I hate living without you  
Dead wrong to ever doubt you  
But my demons lay in waiting  
Tempting me away_

The world was cold, and colorless without her in it. There were no vibrant blues, or bright reds.

Everything was gray; cold and gray.

I felt as though everyone else was happy, laughing, and in a colorful world. And I was all alone, in a very quiet, dull world. I was selfish enough to wish she was here with me; she could light this world up with her smile.

_Oh, how I adore you  
Oh, how I thirst for you  
Oh, how I need you  
_

The sound of a gasp brought me out of my reverie, and I saw her. She was standing there in front of me. She was no hallucination; she was living, breathing.

I could only tell because of the pain in her eyes. The eyes that grounded me; they were the eyes that helped me focus.

Another reason that I knew that this was real was In my dreams she ran to my arms, instead of away from them.

_Comatose  
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you  
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe  
'Less I feel you next to me  
You take the pain I feel  
Waking up to you never felt so real  
_

As she spiraled around, away from my gaze, I yelled her name desperately. Even I could hear the pleading tone in my voice with only that one word. All I wanted was a moment, a moment to smell her distinct smell, a moment to look deep into her eyes; a moment to _be_ with her.

But, alas, she didn't turn, but ran faster. My brain screamed at me to run after her, while my heart pounded in my chest. My breath was already coming in pants, and the cold air was beginning to freeze the tip of my nose and my bare arms.

_I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream  
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me  
The way you make me feel  
Waking up to you never felt so real_

Without mentally deciding to do so, I was taking after her, whispering her name in my mind again and again. Even my mental voice said it with a desperation that I hadn't heard before.

I ran all around town, searching for a swish of beautiful hair around a corner; a glimpse of her unique eyes from inside a store.

There was nothing. I had lost her. Again.

_Breathing life, waking up  
My eyes open up  
Comatose  
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you_

I went back to my hotel, collapsed on my couch and cried; all alone. I was without her; which indicates my nothingness.

_Waking up to you never felt so real_


	5. Broken

_Broken_

_Wake up to a sunny day, not a cloud up in the sky  
And then it starts to rain, _

_My defenses hit the ground  
And they shatter all around, so open and exposed  
I found strength in the struggle  
Face to face with my trouble _

I burst into my apartment, tears running down my face. I locked my door behind me, even though I knew that he wouldn't know where I lived; that he wouldn't know where I was; for now, at least.

It hadn't taken me long to get away from him; I had simply hidden in the ally next to the hotel, nervously. I was shaking, holding my breath. I wasn't ready for that; I couldn't have talked to him then.

When I heard him panting, his heavy footfalls hitting the pavement heavily, passed me, I knew he wouldn't find me. So, I ran the very long way home. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

I knew that wasn't the case.

My lungs were stinging; I could hear myself gasping for air as the harsh sobs ripped from me, but I couldn't think about that.

No, my focus was on the searing pain in my chest.

The image of him, the desperation in his voice as he called for my name destroyed me.

I felt as though someone had ripped my ribs open at my sternum and toyed with my heart, my lungs. My nerve endings felt frayed; my skin sensitive to the air around me. Not even bothering to turn on the lights in my small apartment, I walked to the back of the apartment.__

When you're broken in a million little pieces  
And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore  
Every tear falls down for a reason  
Don't you stop believing in yourself  
When you're broken 

I had to do to pull myself together. I couldn't just lose myself in him again. I had to do this for myself: For my health, physical if not mental. This had to be the last time I broke down. He was just a man.

My conscience called my bluff. He was so much more than a man; he was the man I couldn't live without.

Closing my bathroom door, I finally turned on a light and locked the door, stripping off my clothes. I turned on the shower, and got in. It was amazingly warm, and invited my pink fingers and toes to reheat.

My tears blended with the falling water. __

Little girl don't be so blue  
I know what you're going through  
Don't let it beat you up  


The first time that he came here, I didn't go to work for a week. Neither did Alice. We stayed in my apartment, and she helped me. We turned off our phones, and ate lots of chocolate. I stayed in bed the first few days, and Alice just sat next to me. We didn't talk a lot. She was just there; we were hiding together.

Her presence was amazingly comforting.

_Hitting walls and getting scars  
Only makes you who you are  
Only makes you who you are  
No matter how much your heart is aching  
There is beauty in the breaking  
Yeah  
_

It was never that bad again; I wouldn't let myself do that. We were welcomed back to work with open arms. How Alice convinced them, I'll never know. However, they were always supportive and allowed us to take days off whenever we needed; which wasn't often.

Work was a wonderful distraction that we both needed. Alice and I found salvation in each others' presence. We found peace in each others pain.

I didn't know how Alice handled the pain. She was still in school, focusing hard on balancing it with work.

Sometimes, she called me in the middle night and would cry to me on the phone while I spoke soft, reassuring words that we both knew wouldn't come true. Then the next day we would take long lunches and go to breakfast and lunch at the sinfully delicious diner down the street. __

When you're broken in a million little pieces  
And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore  
Every tear falls down for a reason  
Don't you stop believing in yourself  
When you're broken 

After the water went cold in the shower, I stopped my tears and got out; tired and haggard.

I was so torn apart. I knew that if I looked at myself in the mirror I would be too thin. My eyes would be red and swollen from the peaceful sleep that seemed to escape me every time I lay down.

It was the sleep that I longed for; the sleep that I got when I fell asleep in his arms, with his wonderful smell enveloping me. __

Better days are gonna find you once again  
Every piece will find its place  


Dressed in my pajamas, I made some tea and reached into my medicine cabinet to pull out my sleeping pills. I grasped them and began to pull them out.

My arm brushed a bottle of pills and it fell on the counter in front of me. I picked them up and looked at the label; my name was printed clearly along the label with the words _Lexapro 15 mg one time daily_

They had been prescribed to me by the campus psychiatrist after my classmates and teachers noticed a change in my mood. I was called into his office, and he prescribed me these. I had filled the prescription, but I hadn't taken one yet.

In fact, I had forgotten about them until now. __

When you're broken, when you're broken  
When you're broken in a million little pieces  
And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore  
Every tear falls down for a reason  
Don't you stop believing in yourself  
When you're broken  


I sat at the counter sipping my tea as I turned the bottle around in my hand, staring at the words. Maybe this would be the end. The pain would stop, and I would be happy again. No more breakdowns or numb feelings as I walked through town.

Maybe I could be happy again; truly _happy_ without him. I wouldn't have to pretend anymore.

Decision made, I opened the bottle and popped one in my mouth, swallowing it down with my tea.

I could be happy again. This could be my hope.

_When you're broken_


	6. The Last Chapter

_Whiskey Lullaby _

_She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette  
She broke his heart, he spent his whole life tryin' to forget_

They always say if you're not strong enough to stand, than kneel. But, for him, kneeling was like crawling through the underworld; the scorching hot floor burned his hands, legs and feet. He couldn't take the pain.

She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen; new and refreshing; she wasn't like others. She seemed to love as intensely and deeply as he did.

My little boy._  
_

_We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time  
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind  
Until' the night_

After his mistake, he seemed to feel so alone…so….broken. Without her, he was nothing; they were soul mates in his eyes.

Again and again he called his sister; drunk, and begged for mercy. All he wanted was to hear _her_ voice; he needed her in his life. Without her, colors were bland, beautiful noises were dry and raw compared to her musical voice. He pleaded with his sister to let him speak with his love, to let him know where she was so that he could ask for forgiveness and try and make it up to her. __

He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger  
And finally drank away her memory  
Life is short but this time it was bigger  
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees

The last time I saw him, it was Thanksgiving Day. He looked so tired. I tried to talk to him, but he would hear none of what I had to say; thought I was trying to convince him that he didn't need her.

I knew better.

He needed her as much as every human being needed air to breathe.

When he found out Alice wasn't going to come home for the holiday, he angrily lashed out at everybody. Who could blame him? He wanted to see his sister; wanted to talk to her.

He never got the chance to talk to her; she never gave him one. She regretted it, but Alice handled the guilt; the pain. Her best friend needed her more than ever, so she stayed strong for her. Alice was her rock; her strong suit. She pulled the strength from Alice to function the days, weeks, afterward. _  
_

_We found him with his face down in the pillow  
With a note that said, "I'll love her till I die"  
And when we buried him beneath the willow  
The Angels sang a whiskey lullaby_

His brother was the one who found him. He called the ambulance, even though he knew it was too late; and he cried. He gave him CPR, we were all trained in it, but it was simply too late. My boy had flown home.

He held his body, and sobbed into his shirt.

I curled into my husband and went into hysterics; screamed at my sons' beloved that it was her fault. I knew it wasn't; I needed someone to blame.

She never lashed out back at me; she simply nodded, and murmured, 'I know,' as I insulted her, insulted _them._

The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself  
For years and years, she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath

None of us were as bad as she was. His death finally broke her will, her strength. She was barely living before he passed; she was crawling, fighting her way, but the pain of his passing caused her to collapse.

When she went up to say goodbye at his viewing-with Alice gently guiding her by the arm, she laid her upper body on the coffin and cried.

Alice rubbed her back sympathetically, but it didn't help. She was left alone in this world; without the love of her life, and she felt the loss of him.

She was without her other half. Without him, life for her was like crawling through the underworld; the scorching hot floor burned her hands, legs and feet. She just couldn't take the pain.

The week after his funeral, she locked herself up in his room, laid in his bed, curled up into a tiny ball; said it smelled like him.

She was sedated so she could sleep. But, that didn't stop the nightmares; although it should have. _  
_

_She finally drank her pain away a little at a time  
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind  
Until the night_

__After months and months, she seemed to be coping a little better. She never smiled, but, she didn't smile much before either.

Everyone seemed to think that she was okay; that she was beginning to carry on; live her life.

She was a good actress. It didn't take long for her to snap, give up staying on this earth without him. It didn't have the worth it used to have. Possibilities were stripped from her.

_She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger  
And finally drank away his memory  
Life is short but this time it was bigger  
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees_

She couldn't stay away from him any longer. She left this world to be with my son.

Alice was crushed. She holed herself up again, screamed and cried; threw things around her room in grief. But, after months of therapy and counseling, she seemed to be getting better: Maybe even happier, not happy, but happier.

She knew that they were together, and that was what they needed; to be together.

If anyone knew the need that they had, it was Alice, because she lost the love of her life forever. So, she knew that it was time to let them go. But, they were always in the back of her mind.

On a table by the door of her apartment was a picture of them, and two candles that she lit when she got home from work every night. _  
_

_We found her with her face down in the pillow  
Clinging to his picture for dear life  
We laid her next to him beneath the willow  
While the Angels sang a whiskey lullaby  
_

At first their relationship was such a joy. It was the fun and freedom that is felt when two people are so in love and enjoy each moment with each other. There is safety, security, silliness, intimate kisses and so much love. But, a mistake is what broke that reality apart. It was a mistake that tore them apart.

Maybe they could have made it, together, in this life if they would have just forgiven; however, I try not to dwell on that possibility. My son, in a vulnerable moment made a mistake, and that was 'the straw that broke the camels back' so to say.

They were the little lights in my sky, a little glimpse into something bigger than just us. I got my belief from them. There was a greater force that pulled them together; it wasn't possible that it was just them.

They never should have been taken away from each other, but they were.

They were meant to be together for the rest of their lives, but they weren't.

It gives me peace to believe that they just found a way that they could be, could finally be happy; together.

_This_ was their happily ever after.


End file.
